Lifehacks for Technophobes

People consult me all the time with tech problems they’ve been experiencing. As a result of the increasing complexity of today’s technology, I decided to provide some of the advice that people have found most useful. My hope is that you will be able to return to this list of common issues and solutions for the majority of your troubleshooting needs. In the words of the Travelocity Gnome, “Help is on the way!”

 

  • If you’re having wireless issues, I’ve found that one of the best solutions is to re-download HTML.
  • Lots of times, you will experience a drop in framerate if you are playing an HD game. Just overclock your PC by plugging it into a 240V outlet.
  • People complain a lot about the bandwidth of their local area LAN. The solution is to Google shorter phrases. Boom! Lightning fast internet!
  • Remember Windows 8? The main problem was your ISP. Run a malware detector and delete all of them.
  • If you’re running Linux, just restart the kernel.
  • Most iOS issues can be fixed by installing and playing Candy Crush. Each time you beat a level you’re actually beating a virus.
  • If you’re not impressed with post Windows 3.1 operating systems, you can pretend you still have an older version by using the DOS terminal. It was implemented to help older users.
  • Flash games are named because they can induce seizures.
  • The “#” symbol is called a hashtag because it was originally used by the FBI to track or “tag” phone users. If you’re using a touch tone phone, remove this key immediately!
  • If you are considering building your own PC, be sure to choose a case that’s slightly flexible. This indicates that your PC will be able to “breathe,” which is essential for cooling your hardware.
  • Never run .exe files. This is short for “executable,” and they will execute your computer.
  • The best passwords include at least three “Alt” keystrokes.
  • If a program on your computer freezes, run Windows Updates. This will fix the problem every time.
  • Why would you call a confusing number like 518-376-2931? Call a simple one like 518-123-4567 instead.
  • The number of pixels on your display corresponds to your processing power. The faster your processor, the better the resolution. A 720p display will have Pentium 3 at least.
  • If you experience stack overflow, it means that your PC tower is full. Consider buying one with more space.
  • If you tap “HAXOR” in Morse Code with the hook of a landline phone followed by dialing “1337”, you will be redirected to Kevin Mitnick.
  • When taking your laptop to a new location, be sure to update your MAC address to ensure you don’t miss important emails.
  • Processor speed, which is usually measured in gigahertz, is an indication of the bandwidth that your wi-fi uses. Bad processors can only use ethernet connections.
  • Programming languages are named to indicate their incompatibility. For example, pythons do not drink java. It goes without saying that C# is exclusively used by the government to snoop on internet users.
  • Make sure you upgrade to IPv6 by installing Microsoft Edge.
  • Building your PC with enough RAM is important for running Adobe Flash Player.
  • Remember Windows Vista? You can fix it by throwing your computer in the trash.
  • Sometimes the air becomes so full of wi-fi packets that it creates a traffic jam on the block chain. IPv6 was designed to help prevent this sort of problem.
  • Some tablet users can experience lagging if their bluetooth doesn’t have enough wi-fi. Just ensure your phone is nearby to boost the signal.
  • If your laptop is overheating, it could be because the internet is full. Close the lid and shake it up and down a couple of times to clear your browser cache.
  • If you are hacked and your computer is compromised, just remote desktop into yourself and play Candy Crush.
  • If you have Firefox, make sure that it is running Chrome.

Folks, no matter what happens, just be sure to have fun. Keeping an open mind will guarantee that you’ll discover all kinds of technology secrets. Most of these tips have resulted from just playing around with my stuff and not following the rules.

If you’ll excuse me, I need to go play Candy Crush.

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